Search This Blog

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Raising Daughters, College and The Notebook...

Appropriated for a 12-year-old?... 
There's a fine balance between being a strong father and alienating your children.  It's a fine line I don't always walk too gracefully, especially, in recent weeks, according to my wife.

Raising two teenage daughter, well, one is sixteen and the other a few months shy of the teen threshold, is proving to be a bit of a challenge for me.

Maybe, not so much in the typical sense of teenage rebellion or defiance that parents brace for and expect, but in my own internal struggle of trying to cope with my girls growing up faster than I am ready for and wanting to impart to them the wisdom that has taken me a lifetime to attain, so they can circumvent the many pitfalls, missteps and confusion I experienced, especially when it comes to God, faith and morality.

My high school teen is heading into her junior year and starting to look at universities to apply to and I'm terrified at the state of academia in some of the more liberal renown schools she's been mentioning; even some of the Catholic institutions are a little suspect, with the exception of the ones that she refuses to consider (Because they are my suggestions!).

If there's something I've heard over and over in recent years is how easily Catholic kids, who are not deep-seeded in their faith, even those who attended parochial schools all their lives and Mass with their parents on Sundays, go off to college and lose their faith or end up agnostics, at best, after a heavy dose of mostly Atheist professors for four years and coed dorm roommates, who ridicule the faith, because it doesn't agree with their morally questionable lifestyles.

It's like that often-used Dostoevsky line from The Brothers Karamov, "If God does not exist, everything is permisible."

While nothing new, it's still hard for me to grasp that soon, my daughter will be in school exposed to a vicious cycle of reinforced waywardness, even more than I ever encountered because now, everything is permissible (As evident by the 58 different gender options on Facebook!), as she tries to live on her own for the first time, while still growing in the maturity needed to balance her newfound "freedom" with the responsibility that "freedom" entails, while making decisions that may be heavily influenced by her friends.  I know because I was there.  Unfortunately, I may even have been one of the bad influences that led innocent kids astray!

Of course, every student is different (and I don't just mean in gender identification sense, which is confusing enough!) and, as my own daughter says, I have to "trust the way we raised her" (I hate it when my kids make more sense than me!).  Yet, my concern is real nonetheless.

Meanwhile, my younger daughter is miss lovebird.  She has been having boyfriends practically from the time she learned to write and currently has a "romantic" interest, who comes over and she goes to his house as well.

He seems like a good kid, who comes from a good family.  Yet, the other day, I had a bit of a meltdown when she told us, nonchalantly mind you, that they watched the movie, The Notebook, together.  What?  Are you kidding me? 

Granted, some of you may say, it's a touching story about steadfast devotion that bolsters the wedding vows of, "Till death do us part," and "In sickness and in health."  But, how about all those flashbacks to hot scenes in their youth, the angry fighting that lead to hot scenes and, then, after they break up and she's engaged to another guy, they get together again and more hot scenes?  It's a hot scene fest! They can't keep their hands off each other and, worse of all, they're not even married!  In fact, the movie never really says whether their hot romance and cohabitation ever leads to marriage!  

So, there I was, making the point to my 12-year-old daughter, in my own animated way (And, I can get a bit passionate when I'm stressing something important, which at times, can be construed as anger, even though I wasn't), that if sex is the message the culture continuously tells kids is OK, then it's what kids will think is expected of them.

In other words, if making out, heavy petting and, dare I say the act that a former U.S. President called, "not having sex," is alright in movies, social media, books and TV shows, then kids have the pressure of living up to those expectations.

If it leads to sexual relations then, well, that's why some public schools systems, across the country, are passing out condoms and artificial birth control; whether the child's parents approve or disapprove, since the message is clear; teens are nothing but animals, who can't control their hormones, and having sexual intercourse is what it means to be "in love," and what it means to be an adult.  As a father of two girls and a 9-year-old boy, who is fortunately still clueless, it's a frightening prospect!
Still, my wife says she can't believe how belligerent I have been acting with the girls lately.  "If you think you're going to draw them closer to the faith in that way," she said one recent night when we were alone, "you're very mistaken.  You're going to drive them away!  Even if you were right, you're coming across like a fanatic."

It's a sobering thought and she is totally right; just don't tell her that, please! (Let's see, I have the kids and the wife sounding smarter than me.  All I need now is for the dogs to make me look bad. Then again, they usually do when I forget to walk them!)

In any case, as I thought about my abrasive advice-giving to my daughters, it became clear that all my recent anxiety and aggressive tendencies stem from fear.  I'm afraid of failing as a father, due in part to insecurities about my own inadequacies and failures.  In the meantime, I may be alienating my kids instead of fathering them.    

St. Thomas Aquinas once wrote, "Fear is such a powerful emotion for humans that when we allow it to take over us, it drives compassion right out of our hearts."

I guess it comes down to a lack of faith, which is a consequence of my lack of trust; in, as my older daughter in her astuteness pointed out, the way we raised them (although, we're not raising the boys that will come knocking at the door, but I'll put that aside for now!), in their own judgement, as smart and independent thinkers, and, most of all, in God.  I'm not trusting God and, by now, I should know better.

I think, for me, it is easier to trust in God when it pertains to me and my wife because I've accepted that we are not in control.  My faith is, for the most part, unwavering.  Yet, when it comes to my children, the difficulty I'm finding is that I've gotten so used to being in control and I forget that, eventually, I'll have to let go and place them in God's hands too.  The question is knowing when (albeit not yet!).

It's remarkable how when you think you are starting to understand the intricacies of God, he humbles you by showing you just how little you really know.

The proverb  writer stated it best, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make straight your path." (Prov 3:5-6)...   



Anonymous said...

Exceptional! Thank you. I now know that I am not alone in this "challenge" called Fatherhood. God bless. PS: Kids do notice a father's dedication, determination and passion for God and their well-being even if they act as if they don't. In the end, it will be the "home" of the heart they turn to. Kirk Menendez

anonymous said...

Dear Carlos,
Thanks for your writing and commitment.
I am a father of 4 children, one girl age 26 and 3 boys ages 25,24,23.
The girl was away from home for 7 years, FSU, Boston University then her first job working in Boston. After reading your article it reminded me of all the stages during her teenage years, first boyfriend, driving, parties, leaving home for college and all the challenges. She married 2 years ago to a nice catholic boy from Boston.
Her husband transferred from Boston last year to Fort Lauderdale so they could be close to us and help them raise their first child. Our beautiful first grandchild was born 9 months ago. (Gods blessing and providence)
The boys are all good, hard working(UPEN MED,West Point grad,UF law) and living away.
As you well know it is quite a challenge to raise children in this day and age.
All of our children have been buffeted and influenced to some degree by what they see in the world.
But the love and christian values you teach them mostly by example will be for them a light in this dark world.
Even if for a time they appear to wander off or not attach as much importance to their faith as you do. Everything good you do will bear fruit it just often takes time and patience.
Be patient, firm, prayerful, forgiving gentle ,kind especially with your family and observe Gods providence in action as he guides your children. He desires their salvation and happiness infinitely more than you do. Often times children have to make some mistakes to learn a life lesson despite what we tell them. This is the difficult part that requires great trust, patience, gentleness with ourselves and children. We are quick to be harsh or rough/demanding with our children if they do not do what we tell them and ourselves if we feel we have failed.
Sometimes everything you taught them lies buried in their hearts to later blossom and sometimes it takes them having children of their own for them to more fully appreciate it.
For us besides Sunday Mass, devotion to our Blessed Mother and praying the Rosary together was powerful in keeping the family united in love
God bless
Eddie Grenet

Carlos Espinosa said...

Thank you so much for sharing Eddie.
I'm glad to read your experiences. One of the things I regularly pray for is that, despite myself, I can lead my family to heaven and it looks like that is what you are doing.
Thanks again for your words of wisdom and God bless.

Carlos Espinosa said...

Thank you Kirk for your encouragement and support.
Fatherhood is a challenge for all of us who are trying to be faithful to God and raising kids in today's environment makes it that much more difficult.
But, yes, kids learn more from what they see in us than what we say.
Thanks and God bless.